Testing of Faith
"My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1:2-3
I heard last week that someone I care about very much was diagnosed with cancer, and I was saddened by the way I reacted. As a church servant, I often have to be a source of spiritual encouragement to those going through life's trials. How many times have I reminded others of God's power and grace and mercy? Yet when I heard this news, I went into shock. I wandered around my apartment like a lost sheep. Tears threatening to overtake me were checked only by my daughter's voice asking simple questions ("How do I spell...?"), bringing me temporarily into the present and away from the shadowy future.
The next day I felt a little guilty and hypocritical that I so nearly succumbed to the adversary's tactics of fears. My emotional philosophy is that of stoicism. Keep a stiff upper lip. Keep calm and carry on. It's not that I don't like to cry. I believe that real, free-flowing tears are the only way to cleanse the soul. But I believe that this process of cleansing is so critically important and highly personal, that it should be very private (for me as an introvert). I also believe that indulging too much in our own pain prevents us from moving forward.
What did I do when my faith was so tested? I turned to my best friend for support. I wanted to hear from him the words I so often say to others, so that my muffled despairing brain can hold on to a word, a phrase as a flashlight back onto the path of the Lord, the path of the King of Peace.
This is a cycle in our life. The spirit of fear threatens to turn to despair--So, we turn to the our Lord--Then, we are calmed by the Comforter and find peace. If we don't turn to the Lord, then we cannot get to peace. As St. Peter says, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life" (John 6:68b).
This also underscores the importance of a faithful community. If Abouna wasn't there to remind me of God's truth and beauty in the midst of my struggle, how would I find my way up out of the pit? We need friends that lift us up, that help us bear our burdens and show us God's glory shining through the darkness.
On a side note, there's a tante at our old church in Virginia who would congratulate us on how we were to become Abouna/Tasoni by saying over and over, "And may God keep the devil far from you." I know that with this job come extra trials and temptations and tribulations. I just wasn't expecting to be punched so squarely in the gut. May God keep the devil far from us and from you.
I will be struggling with this issue for months to come. Please pray for the healing of my friend.