"Rigor Vivus" Memos from the Postpartum Trenches

The problem is when I am really tired I can't sleep. The more exhausted I am, the more my entire body goes into a kind of rigor vivus. I'm sitting up, fully dressed. My eyes are plastered open. I can't speak, but I also can't reach up and take off my glasses. I can't find my way to bed. And if I'm in bed, I am staring at the wall. It doesn't matter that both my body and I are in agreement that sleep is the only solution now. We are both past that point. We are in that space where fatigue has paralyzed us--mind and body--in a frozen waking state. Must. Sleep. But can't...