Making Friends in Adulthood
Friendship in adulthood is difficult. Unlike school, when you're thrown together with many people in multiple situations, an adult is mostly isolated in the search for friendship.
As an adult you're looking for a friend who shares your religious and moral values, a friend who is in a similar life stage to you. Even if you find this friend, chances are that they'll move away, they'll hurt your feelings, they'll get too busy, they may betray your trust—or even pass away. Life is fluid and fragile.
But in all your searches for friendship, you will find that one Friend never fails. This Friend will always make time for you, is ever faithful, and counts every tear. That's Christ Himself.
So that's it then? Jesus is my best, best friend and otherwise aside from Him I'm called to be lonely?
No, no, no. That's not it at all. The fact is if Christ is your very best friend, that just puts all other relationships in perspective.
Here are six things I keep in mind when making friends.
Great Friends Take Time
In a recent study, it was estimated that it takes 50 hours of interactions to turn a stranger into a friend, and 200 hours to make a close friend. That means that you shouldn't assume that you'll make a friend immediately. It will take time and repeated interactions to build that trust between you.
Sure, sometimes we just click with people. But that's rare. A deep relationship requires time and deliberate effort. I love thinking back to the first time I met friends who are now so deeply embedded in my heart. I had no idea of the beauty of their soul at first blush.
Open your heart slowly and carefully. Get to know people and and give people a chance to get to know you. Invest that time.
Know Yourself
Are you someone who likes to have a lot of casual friends? If so, don't hesitate to go out with different groups and see where you fit in best. Invite a few people over and do trial and error until you get the right dynamic. Remember, you need about 50 hours of time together to really count them as friends, so it's okay to take it slow and try different things.
On the other hand, are you the type that prefers just 1-3 tight-knit friendships? Patience is key here because it will take 200 hours before you really feel close with a new person.
Observe people and see who might make a good friend. Take a few different people out to lunch dates or out to coffee one-on-one. Follow up with those you really click with until you find people who make the cut.
Then invest and really rack up those hours--so you can build up that trust. Yes, I know you're busy, but it is worth it to your sanity (take my word for it).
Know Your No-Nos
Everyone has their own unspoken rules for friends. Values that they won't compromise on, boundaries they won't cross. Here are a few of mine:
No gossip. If they like to talk about other people, it's only a matter of time before they're talking about me.
No complaining about their spouses excessively. If someone likes to--even jokingly--spend the majority of our conversations complaining about his/her spouse, that's a no from me.
No hot button issues. I have enough stress and drama in my life from my husband's priesthood, and I want to live a peaceable life. Our central bond should be over something not controversial.
Sit with yourself and define your own friendship rules, and then use them to guide your decisions around relationships.
Everyone Is Lonely
The other thing I keep in mind when trying to make friends is that it seems like every adult on the planet right now is suffering from a strange disease of loneliness. Despite social media and free calls to home, everyone is very, very lonely. There is no "out there" where someone else is having a better time than you are.
Every man and woman at church suffers from some loneliness. Every man and woman at work is suffering from some loneliness. Your neighbor is lonely. Reach out. Call someone. Make a lunch date. Send an encouraging text. We ALL need it. It's not just you.
You CAN Do This
I know it's hard to find people you trust to make friends with. Use your discernment and know that not all friends are friends for every season or every feeling. There are friends I trust to have a good time with--a lighthearted lunch, and friends I call with my biggest fears--positive people who I know will encourage me. There are friends I call in my sorrow--people I can trust with my darkness, and there are friends I call when I need a helping hand.
Not every friend has to fill every role, but it's good to have at least one friend for each role. "In a multitude of counselors, there is safety” (Proverbs 24:6b)
You don't have to put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak.
Be a Good Friend First
Of course, the most important part of having good friends is BEING a good friend. Are you asking about your friends? Are you remembering their special occasions? Are you lending a helping hand? Being a good friend makes having good friends much easier.
I've seen it pay off for others. When they put love and generosity and time and care into others, when the time comes that they are in need, God provides abundantly.
What about you? What do you look for in a friend? How do you work on being a good friend?