Lessons from Palm Sunday

I had a miserable Lazarus Saturday. First, I already knew that I would see my husband next to never (outside of services) for the next eight days. What I didn't anticipate was that I would literally not see him all of Lazarus Saturday as well. Second, I couldn't find my Pascha Book--and I know that sounds like such a small thing--but it's really not. Third, I was incredibly homesick and felt out of place. It was weird that I wouldn't be with my family for Palm Sunday the next day or Good Friday or the Feast of the Resurrection at the end of the week.And the unhappy feeling spilled over to Palm Sunday. I started Sunday feeling generally annoyed with life. As I stood praying on this major feast, I was just not happy. While standing to pray, irritated, I finally acknowledged the things that were bothering me, and I acknowledged that most of them were invalid.I thought if I'm annoyed that I'm not going to get personal time with Abouna, well, that's the job we signed up for. Holy Week lasts for ONE week, and then life will be back to normal after that. And maybe I'll be annoyed all week because of it (what a waste of a Pascha!), but the situation is not permanent.I thought if I can't find my Pascha Book, I can find other ways to meditate on the Scripture. We are blessed in our church with gigantic screens that project all the readings. Yes, it's hard to focus with a restless preschooler, but the book can't solve that dilemma. Yes, I won't be able to Post-It Note my way through meditations, but I can designate a journal for the purpose of writing down contemplations and keep it from year to year. There are solutions.Abouna was the one who solved my "out of place" problem. He always reminds me that no one ever feels "in place" all the time, and I know many of the people I spent Lazarus Saturday with also felt out of place. That then reminded me of something Priest's Wife taught me before I even became tasoni: that it's tasoni's job to make all people feel loved and welcome and "in place."At that point, it was clear that I was in the middle of a spiritual battle. The deceiver didn't want me to enjoy the prayers that I love, and I wanted the blessing of this Holy Week. So I did something they (who's they?) always tell you to do: I gave it to God."Lord, I want to pray. I want to be happy. It's Palm Sunday! I don't want to be miserable. But if I have to be miserable, let me at least pray through it, so I can still receive the blessing of this service. Help me focus because I want to be here, praying. Joy is secondary to talking to you."I must confess I don't understand what happened next. Suddenly, instead of focusing on awkward and irritating situations, I remembered happy memories and inside jokes. I started smiling! And flashing smiles at people! I was laughing at my own happy thoughts in the middle of a prayer! I was thanking God for real, instead of perfunctorily. By the end of the service, I was completely overjoyed--dare I say glowing! At minimum, five different people commented on how gorgeous I looked. (I should point out that I was wearing purple--my favorite color :p.)What happened? Is it really as simple as a catchphrase? "Let go and let God"--seriously? Why have I never tried this before?![I should close by saying that my daughter was right. I barely needed a book. I just said what the deacons said--lol--and that worked (as usual).]And wow... "I Am Momma" just got real.