How to Stop Being Insecure (Overcoming Insecurity)
My original plan for this post was to go into all the consequences of rampant insecurity in detail, but it's really just too depressing of a topic. And wouldn't you rather just learn how to stop being insecure? Maybe one day I'll go back and elaborate how insecurity is at the core of every one of our life problems (seriously, people--you cannot be the source of your security--grow in faith!).Today, we're going to make insecurity go away. It's a three-pronged strategy. It works best if you do all three.1. Decide on and then revisit your own personal definition of success.2. Focus your attention outwards.3. Strengthen your relationship with God. Practice leaning on Him and Him alone.
DEFINE SUCCESS
Insecurity appears in the gap between our expectations and our reality. Correct your expectations and appreciate your reality.I'll take an easy one. I'm a stay-at-home mom. I'm not a full-time photojournalist trotting the globe and war-torn nations with my camera. Sometimes the thought comes up, "I could've been in Syria by now."I could sit and cry about the photo prizes I haven't won. I could mope around the house feeling sorry for myself that I'm trapped here in Florida while my precious camera gathers dust.But I choose not to do that! I choose to go back to my definition of success. The only thing I ever wanted was children, to have them, to spend time with them, to read to them. They have been my priority, probably since my first little sister was born (I was five). Am I raising good, healthy children? Am I instilling in them the values Abouna and I desire? Do they love God and know He loves them? Everything else is secondary. Certainly, my career is secondary. Put myself in a dangerous war zone for the glory of my photography? No, thanks. Doesn't fit my definition of success.That might not be your definition of success at all!! That's OK. You have a different definition of a successful life! Compare yourself against that.You can use this on a smaller scale too. For example, you hoped your husband would whisk you away on your wedding anniversary to a fancy dinner. But something has come up, and he now has to work that day.Insecurity says, "He doesn't love you. You aren't worth being loved anyway."Instead, you take a step back. You say, "A successful wedding anniversary for me would be if we're together and we're relaxed and happy. And I get to look pretty."You wake up early that day, you cook an incredible breakfast (or find a way to get one delivered--is that possible? do people do that? message me...), you put on your favorite lipstick. He stumbles out of bed to the glowing smile on your face. His eyes wide, he thinks, "I'm the luckiest man on the planet." And he is! Obviously! Later that day, he manages to sneak out of work early and bring you flowers. (Okay, okay. Lol. Is that expecting too much :D?)Or you decide to celebrate the next day--the day after--because time is a construct and can be wielded in your favor!!But you don't believe me? My husband is working on my birthday. I could sit at home and weep that I'm celebrating "alone" (with the kids LOL... moms are never alone). Instead, I'm going to go to work with him :)! I'm going to celebrate where and how he can. Because my definition of a successful birthday is to be with him and with cake. Chocolate cake. Yes, please.This is not easy. It takes prayer. You aren't going to define success and then align yourself to your definition by snapping your fingers. You need to praaaaaayyyyyyy.Shall I repeat this part? You need to praaaaaaaaayyyyy.
"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God" (Romans 12:2)
You know this verse. I know you do. But understand it again. Not the world's definition of success but God's will for your life as success. That's the only thing you need to grade yourself on. Am I within God's will, obeying His commandments? Check? Check.So ask yourself:What are my values? What's my definition of success in this scenario? Are they all aligned?Find joy in that. So many people live their lives out of sync with their values, constantly chasing other people's definitions of success--or society's definition of success--or really anything but God's definition of success for YOUR life. That's where insecurity sinks its teeth in and shakes you violently. That's where misery sneaks in and won't let go of you. Check yourself--and praaaaaayyyyyyy.
FOCUS OUTWARDS
Fear and insecurity come up when we spend too much time looking at and thinking about ourselves. We'll never measure up to every version of ourselves we desire to be. We will always see first our flaws and our weaknesses. We will always see where we have fallen short and review the things we've done that we regret.When insecurity knocks at your door, look outside yourself. Throw yourself wholeheartedly into the work before you. Look for the needs of others that you can fulfill. Most importantly, praise God with all of your being.I once had a big presentation for my masters program. I had worked for months on it. The night before I was suddenly full of self-doubt. I found myself scrubbing the bathroom like a maniac. Instead of sitting in one place feeling sick and unsure, I threw myself into a useful task before me: making tile grout sparkle. It worked for me--it will work for you. Find a task that consumes you. Fulfill your duties. Do what needs to be done.When I find myself feeling insecure, I don't wait for someone to save me. I go find someone in the same situation that I can save. I text someone who needs encouragement from me. I take people out to coffee or lunch. I stop and think, "What would make my husband really really happy when he comes home?" And then I do that. Because putting a smile on someone else's face is the fastest way to bring the smile back to mine.
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear" (1 John 4:18a)
Remember that insecurity is fear. And the only thing that drives out fear is love. Sometimes people aren't loving you enough. But if you love them, if you're selfless, your fear, your insecurity will be cast out, too. And remember that God does love you, and that it's HIS love that's perfect and HIS love that casts out fear.Praising God--through song or through action--works wonders on insecurity. When you remember the source of your security is the Creator and not a passing creation, there's a shift that happens. "What is man that You are mindful of Him?" (Psalm 8:4a) Yes, we are small. Yes, we are weak. Yes, we are imperfect. But He is the Omnipresent, He is strength, He is perfection. When we look at Him, instead of ourselves, we realize we have nothing to fear.
STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
Defining success and focusing outwards are quick and easy fixes to our insecurity. But the only way to work on it long-term, the only way to keep it at a healthy level, is to be continually growing our relationship with God.I was recently talking to a friend about how strangely smooth this week has gone. We realized we had both been doing a better job actually reading the Bible. The right answer is always "pray and read your Bible," but for some reason we're so desperate to find some other solution. If you want to keep insecurity at bay, take these two (prayer and scripture) and call me in the morning. Just to repeat: reading the Bible and praying doesn't mean you'll never feel insecure again. It just means the percentage of your life that you waste on such thoughts will be greatly reduced.
And if you're Catholic/Orthodox: stop putting it off--go to confession. Get yourself a clean slate now. If you haven't had communion or actually focused during a liturgy for a while, make sure you do that ASAP.You see how this the "strengthen your relationship with God" section isn't very long. That's because you can't do it by reading about it. GO PRAY.
"Seek the Lord and His strength;Seek His face evermore!" (1 Chronicles 16:11)
So that's it. Sherry taught us that we freak out when we think God isn't there (even though He is). I told you all about the symptoms and consequences of insecurity (it's a messy business). And today we found three actual workable solutions to our insecurity:(1) Only grade your success on your definition of success. (2) Stop moping and start being useful to others (and glorify God). (3) Talk to God more and hear from Him more (see me shaking my finger in your face like the annoying big sis that I am?).Now let's go conquer the world!
YOUR TURN
What do you do to keep insecurity at bay? Which of these strategies will you try? Comment below or e-mail me at laura AT copticdadandmom.com
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