Father, Forgive Me

Yesterday, our congregation prayed a memorial service for the 21 Coptic martyrs killed in Libya. I was surprised at how difficult it was for me. I thought I had put to bed all my inner conflict about the event. I thought I was ready to "rejoice" at their homecoming, singing glorification hymns in celebration of their entry into paradise and their acquisition of holy crowns of martyrdom.I am not ready. I am not ready to close the book on their lives and relegate them to memory. I need their example before me.I don't want to debate politics or policy. I don't want to argue about anything (which is completely shocking if you know me at all). I have already forgiven the murderers.I have not forgiven myself.For not appreciating God's blessings, His mercy, and the countless "second" chances He grants me.For ever complaining about missing meat or cheese while He hangs on the Cross for me.For the moments with my family I take for granted.For the lack of trust and the wallowing in worry that I do to make myself feel useful.For the pettiness.For the selfishness.That's all I have to say today. I need more time to reflect. The verse that's on my mind is"But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty..."1 Corinthians 1:27