How to Give Your Priest Feedback
I recently read a Facebook post about ministry that pointed out how important it was that leaders receive (and be open to receiving) feedback from those around them. The post went so far as to say that if you're unable to take feedback you better check your heart (@johnbcrist)
But reading His Grace Bishop Suriel's resignation letter (and the beautiful--and heartbreaking--quotes from St. Gregory) made me think of ways we as laity can provide our priests with feedback without crushing the service--and the servant.
Talk to him one-on-one.
If you have some real feedback to give, talk to your priest one-on-one, preferably in a quiet, private or semi-private place. It’s not cool to grab five of your closest friends, corner the guy, and complain his ear off.
Impromptu group venting sessions might seem cathartic for you, but they can be very draining for the person on the receiving end. Your concerns can be better met when presented individually first. You can always schedule a "team" meeting with him after that.
Talk to him face-to-face.
Important conversations shouldn't be left to the vague tone of email or text messaging. I can't tell you how many problems in my own life have escalated rather than deflated because we kept trying to work it out over text... Is that really the way you want this conversation to go?
Have the courage to go directly to him, sit in his office, and have a real, honest conversation. If for some reason you are intimidated by that thought, bring one trusted friend with you who can be a silent support. It was only a few years ago when the sight of a bishop made me run in the opposite direction and hide, so I feel you (funny story, tell you later).
Do it soon.
Ugh, I hate confrontation, don't you? I'd rather gossip behind someone's back all day until the feelings all cool off. Guess what? That's a terrible idea.
While I don’t recommend important discussions happen when you’re at full raw anger, as soon as you’ve cooled off a bit, go talk to your priest. Preferably within a day or two.
Don’t wait and let a barrier build and hold a grudge that he has no idea about. How is that fair to either of you?
I actually learned this from my husband who showed me to run INTO conflict for relationships that matter to me. It pays off Every. Single. Time. no exaggeration. It's hard to hold a grudge when you're looking in someone's eyes.
Come with solutions.
Can we really expect one man to have all the solutions to all the problems of all the families?
If you're coming to discuss a particular problem, then you know the problem better than anyone. You might be the expert. So come with a couple of ideas for solutions. Even if he riffs off them, at least you gave him a place to start.
Even better, offer to step up and help. I once heard that when someone comes to complain to His Grace Bishop Youssef, he assigns that person to lead the efforts to solve the problem. Don't wait to be asked. Step up and volunteer to be part of the solution.
Stay on topic.
This might seem silly, but it's really very essential. The more specific and professional you can be in presenting the problem, the more likely you are to be heard.
If we're talking about how the kids leave the Sunday School rooms coated in cake, please don't bring up how you hate your aunt's neighbor's dog. Focus!
In that same vein, don’t make the attack personal. You don’t need to tear your priest (or anyone else!) down to make a point. Focus on the actual issues and the facts, rather than making unfounded accusations or broad generalizations.
Remember he's human.
Yeah, so he messed up. He made the wrong call. He said the wrong thing. He put up the wrong wreath. Thank God he’s there to make calls at all! Leadership is often a thankless task.
Don’t expect perfection out of imperfect people. Priests are humans who are working out their own salvation—just like you are. Their superpower is not instant holiness or all of Heaven’s wisdom implanted in their brain like a microchip.
A little kindness and understanding can go a long way.
He's got a different view.
Finally, I know that it’s tempting to be really annoyed when he doesn’t go for your plan.
Consider that he has something of a bird’s eye view. He sees more broadly the implications of his actions. He might have a different perspective.
I hope that at our church everyone feels able to speak their heart. I have been blessed to see that on more than one occasion, and these .guidelines have come out of seeing so many wonderful members of our congregation doing this right. I have learned so much from them.
This article is part of a series. It is the result of three Christian authors who turned to one another for comfort after the troubling events of this past weekend--yet another massacre targeting Coptic Christians in Egypt, the resignation of a bishop, and the divisions they witnessed across social media following these events. Read Phoebe Farag Mikhail of Being in Community's post about Healing in the Face of Pain. Read Mireille Mishriky's post about being good Brand Ambassadors for Christ.